Monday, October 13, 2014

Tug of War

Sometimes we fail to see what's before us, not because we are blind, but because we believe that it cannot be there.

In short- we find ourselves in denial sometimes.

I have had enough time in a matatu from Sondu today to work through my state of denial and trust me it was not a good feeling. I do change like the wind, and have come to accept that 'bottling' is my specialty when it comes to emotions. If there's anyone who knows how best I do this, they always know to best leave me alone and not dance around me hoping that I'd get out of it.

Grace stepped on my toes today. I forgive her because she's carrying my future niece or nephew, and I want that baby to know how much of a doll her mom is. She did not take it kindly when she read my last entry on Grumpy.
I have talked so much about her here, that I believe she's famous and it's gotten into her head. She said that I do the same thing that guys do when it comes to any relationship. I withdraw after some time.

But, most guys withdraw from a relationship for any of three reasons: they've lost interest, they feel rushed and they're afraid.

None of those apply to my case.

I thought so then- but not now.
Let me choose my words carefully then tell you why.

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.

Okay, I have it. Have you ever been in any relationship where it gets to a point that you are just there? Nothing moves you about the relationship, but you do not want to break it off?

Okay, so there's a term for it (thank heavens for Psycho-therapists!) and it's called Emotional Withdrawal.
Things were great between you and suddenly you do not want to connect with someone more so it feels as though you have created a distance and no matter how much they run, they never catch up with you.

In most cases you'll find someone pushing and the other pulling back. In most cases it's the person you distance yourself from who tries to reach out to you (pushing) and you keep retreating (pulling back). The more they push, the more you retreat- and this often leads to a break-up. It's not that none of you care for each other, it's just one person felt he/she was fighting a lost cause and they gave up.

So, why does Grace think I am withdrawing from Grumpy?
If I said, "I don't know," I would be lying, but on the other hand, if I said why, it would become the cold ugly truth that would stare at me for years to come because
  1. the internet never forgets
  2. if it's written, it definitely happened
  3. Grumpy is my number one fan and supporter-and he'll read this before he sleeps tonight
  4. I love the feeling of not running out of excuses which makes it
  5. easier to have a fifth reason that does not make sense!

I do like Grumpy, but I am not withdrawing from him- rather I am taking a step back to give him time to prepare himself for me (yeah #denial if you really think about it). Does that make sense?

It's like taking a shower before going into the swimming pool, or wearing armor before going into battle. He's not prepared to have me in his life as a 'constant' - and I did let him know my reasons for saying so and gave him time. His only weakness is to rush into restructuring his life so much so that he keeps checking up on me because whether he admits it or not- he's afraid of losing me.

But, I ask, which one's worse- losing me or losing to know himself?

Do not let anyone define you.
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