Tuesday, August 2, 2011

When answers aren't available

I recently talked about asking myself endless questions about life and people. I also have to admit that I often wonder why people suffer too much and others simply let things be. So, this blog post goes into record as one of the most emotional articles I have written.
Heart enlargement disorder: Well for some this isn't a disorder and for other doctors it surely is because it means the heart is bigger in size than it ought to be and is working overtime. I have a young sister, she is beautiful and a always a breath of fresh air to me. I was downtrodden when I heard that she has this disorder. Well, for this let us stick to condition because hers' wont be permanent.
She was in boarding school when she had to get home because her heart was working overtime. For someone who is a hunchback, nothing could have added more weight on her. At times when I look at her I think she has repressed memories and suppresses her feelings. There have been so many times that I have been Freud and she has been my client. There are so many times that I have reached out to her and she has never met me halfway. For starters,she was abandoned because she was a hunchback. Now she is adopted into our family and when I look at her, there are endless questions to which I have no answers. Why did they abandon me? Do they ever think about me? Is my name really mine or was I just given a name for the sake of records? Why is it that no matter how much I read, I fail my exams? How come you have a family and I don't? Does my Father still think of me? Do they know that I am alive? What will I do, not knowing where I came from?
It is times as these when answers aren't available no matter how much I wish I had them. I can name all the Psychologists in history and their contribution. I can list you a hundred writers of all times. I can tell you the various laws we have in Kenya. I can also tell you the Scriptures. I can also volunteer in homes, talk to people, listen to them and help them feel good about themselves when they are down. I can do all these and more but I can never tell her "things will be okay" without doubting myself. What would I do if they came for her? I would never let them have her, why? She is my sister and I love her. It gets to a point where I say I would surely donate my heart or switch places just so she wouldn't have one more burden to carry. I know that she would never let me do so too, but I would try. For her, the whole world can come to a stop.
It is the same with my mom and elder sister. At times, we often feel as though our love is never enough. I used to be angry at her for not seeing how much we love her. I am not anymore, because I am not adopted. I grew up in my family, they did not cast me out because of a deformity. Who said it was a deformity in the first place? A hunchback develops when a baby gets Tuberculosis, and it attacks the spine. She was not so fortunate in the first place.
How I wish I had answers for Jackie. How I wish I would make her smile and laugh till her soul lights up....for the time being I will not stop because I know she is my sister and there will never be another as beautiful, strong and giving as her.