Saturday, September 8, 2012

Why Giving Up is so Hard

I am writing this and the only thing I know for sure is that all is not well.
I am not giving up because it is hard for me to do so.
I find it hard to simply walk away when I know that I can stick it out no matter what happens. I did lots of things today and among them is completing this short letter "Dear Brian" which is available here .
When things get me down before I speak of them I always write them down or listen to some music to make sense of my feelings and today was no different. It is just one of those things that talking about seems to take a toll on me. I got a call from a friend that my friend Gregory. I had previously talked about him on my post titled Through and Through.
It was an Aunt telling me that he was going home finally and all he wanted was to see me before he left. She said that he was better, clean, a long way from being completely sober but at least he could hold a conversation and they were all proud of him. I told her it would be great to see him and I would see him next week on Tuesday as he boarded a bus to Nairobi. I felt good because my friend was on his way to being clean again. But a part of me could not help wondering what if he falls back again? What if this time he falls really hard and we cannot save him? I have lost friends and classmates but the thought of losing Gregory just made me feel empty and drained like the world was done for. It felt like I was giving up for fear of losing him.
But, something gets me going and I will be honest with you.
What gets me going is the fact that if I stop and run I might not be the same person again. I would rather fight it out till am done for instead of running or losing hope. For a four letter word hope is one of the things that once lost to recover takes a milestone. It's because of that really that I am willing to see this through because I believe in Gregory and I don't want to lose a friend, not if I can help it.
So, just like my posts "On a Saturday Morning" and "Through and Through" this one goes out to Greg, "It's awesome to have you all strong, your battle has just began and if you ever need a friend I will be right beside you. You owe me a trip to the Caribbean FYI and I plan to collect, because at this rate am seeing myself staying single till 30! Lol :-) "
PS: Y'all should check out As Long as You Love Me- Justin Beiber

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How can one change the world if one identifies oneself with everybody?