It's a lesson I have carried with me for more than a decade. I was faced with a dilemma today, running into Mike's mother. (Read about Mike here )
I learned how inappropriate "Sorry" is back in December 1997.I had lost my Dad, and all everyone could tell me was "sorry."
I got a call from her. She's in town and would not mind saying hello. I could do nothing but let her talk and agree with whatever she said. It's sad isn't it, that when you have so much to say, your vocal chords seem to shut down or malfunction and you are left choked with emotions. It does not help if you wear your heart on your sleeve (like me!)
After her call, I thought of all the times I've been disillusioned by something beyond my understanding, and something about his words way back while we were on campus came to me "hope is just a concept Dora, when you are down and hurting, hope is nothing but a concept."
Was it the same for him?
Was he so hurt and disillusioned that hope became nothing but a concept to him?
It's not one of the best days to blog about this- but I fear that my memory is getting the better of me. For Mike's sake- I find myself going through my journals and asking "what have I been writing all these years?"
In some, I find memories of a great friend, in others a friend who was fighting his demons and losing every battle- but nothing stings like going through them now- and the only word that seems to come through my lips are 'sorry' and the feeling that clouds my whole being 'guilt.'
You might say 'it's not my fault.' And you are right.
It's not my fault, but in a bid to understand why he did what he did, I am left with the option of making it my fault- and going through every single moment shared with him in search of answers or clues as to his last action. Truth be told, it pains like hell, but I am going through it.
Will I meet his mom? Yes, definitely- no matter how guilty I feel I cannot pass up a cup of coffee or an iced mocha.
But, I want to see her. I want to look into her eyes and hold her hands, even if it kills me to, but maybe, just maybe in doing so I will get to know why he chose to leave behind the treasure that was his Mother.
So, is hope just a concept?
When it comes to Mike- I don't know.
But, I have felt like nothing will ever be the same when in trouble. That's what trauma does, it shakes our belief system- it gets us out of our comfort zone and plunges us into deep darkness and watches as we crawl our way out.
How can one change the world if one identifies oneself with everybody?